Living with ADHD as an adult can feel isolating. 

Friends and loved ones may care deeply, but they don’t always understand what you’re experiencing. Building deeper connections becomes harder when you struggle to express yourself or stay fully present during conversations.

Over time, these social challenges may cause adult ADHDers to stop seeking support from those closest to them. But that kind of disconnection isn’t healthy in the long run.

The good news is that ADHD isn’t a journey you have to walk alone. ADHD support groups offer powerful connection and support. Their benefits aren’t just anecdotal. In fact, research has shown how useful peer support groups can be for adults with ADHD. 

With the right group, you’ll have access to a safe and supportive environment. This is where you can build your support network and learn from people who have been in your shoes. 

What Are ADHD Support Groups?

Support groups are a safe and non-judgmental space. They allow adults to connect, share their experiences, and exchange practical tips. 

Support groups can be structured in different ways: 

• In-person groups that often meet at local community centers, healthcare facilities, or universities
• Online ADHD support groups that can be accessed via forums, video calls, or chatting platforms
• Blended models combining face-to-face meetings with online resources or digital tools

Most adult ADHD peer support groups are open to all, whether or not they have a formal diagnosis. 

Types of ADHD Support Groups

There are different types of ADHD support groups for adults to choose from. Each has a unique structure and focus.

These groups include: 

• Structured groups: Psychologists, therapists, social workers, or ADHD coaches typically lead these groups. They provide professional guidance on managing symptoms. They may also include skill-building workshops to help members thrive in their daily lives.
• Peer-led groups: Individuals with ADHD typically run these informal spaces. These groups are a great place to share personal experiences and challenges. They also focus on exchanging support, encouragement, and advice. 
• Online ADHD communities: Examples include private Facebook groups, Reddit communities, online forums, and virtual co-working platforms. These offer great flexibility and accessibility, which can be helpful if you don’t have local in-person options. 

Since every group has its own style, it’s worth trying different formats and structures to see which is the best fit for you.

Why Peer Support Matters

Life with ADHD can be challenging. Not everyone will fully understand what you’re going through, and that can sometimes make the journey feel lonely.

This is where peer support can make a world of difference. Here’s how it helps:

• Reducing feelings of loneliness, fear, or anxiety
• Having your experiences, emotions, and struggles validated
• Receiving reassurance, encouragement, and support during tough times
• Learning practical advice and strategies that have worked for others with similar challenges
• Having accountability partners who can support you in building positive habits

Surrounding yourself with a community can help you form a positive self-image and a more hopeful outlook on life. 

The Benefits of Peer Support for ADHD

Studies show that peer support can make a meaningful difference in the lives of adults with ADHD, highlighting several key benefits:

• Better symptom management: Support groups are a great place to seek practical advice. Members often share tips on improving focus, organization, and time management that have been tried and tested.^[1]
• Improved emotional well-being: Having a supportive community can help reduce stress, anxiety, and depression. By sharing their experiences, adults with ADHD can feel more validated and understood. They can also learn healthier emotional coping strategies from others.^[2,3]
• Greater workplace productivity and career outcomes: Support groups create opportunities to find mentors and accountability partners. Members can also gain advice on strengthening executive function skills, such as planning and prioritizing. This can boost productivity and performance.^[4]
• Stronger social connections: Shared experiences within ADHD support groups help participants build meaningful friendships. Plus, members can practice their social skills in a supportive and non-judgmental environment.

What the Research Says

Let’s delve a little deeper into the research that shows the positive impact of peer support for adults with ADHD.

• 2022: A study in the Journal of Attention Disorders found that peer support can help protect adults with ADHD from developing depression and anxiety.^[2]
• 2023: Participating in online ADHD communities increased awareness of ADHD symptoms and traits in young adults. It reduced self-blame and boosted self-esteem. These communities also gave participants practical coping tools for organization, emotional regulation, and time management.^[1]
• 2024: A review reported that group-based education can improve core ADHD symptoms and overall mental health. It also enhanced planning, task performance, and time management, while cultivating a deeper understanding of ADHD.^[5]

Together, these studies confirm that ADHD support groups and group-based interventions can be a powerful addition to your ADHD management plan. 

Finding the Right ADHD Support Group

You may be able to find local support groups or providers where you live, but we created ADDA+ to fill this gap. We have live peer support groups gathering online every week, so it’s immediately available.

The best ADHD support groups are safe, inclusive, and non-judgmental. You should eventually feel comfortable enough to start opening up about your challenges. 

What to Expect in a Peer Group

Every ADHD peer group is unique, but most share some common goals. These typically include building connections, reducing feelings of isolation, and providing practical strategies for managing ADHD symptoms.

Our ADHD peer support group meetings are structured around:

• Sharing personal stories and listening to others’ experiences
• Participating in guided discussions on a variety of ADHD-related topics
• Expert-led skill building
• Exchanging coping tools and strategies for focus, organization, and emotional regulation
• Body doubling, or working alongside someone else, to complete tasks
• Setting goals and keeping one another accountable

Set realistic expectations when joining a peer support group. These groups aren’t a substitute for medication, therapy, or professional treatment.

That said, they can still be a powerful addition to your overall management plan. 

How to Make Peer Support Work for You

Simply joining an ADHD support group isn’t enough. The real value lies in consistently showing up and engaging with other members.

Here are some tips to get the most out of your experience:

• Commit to regular attendance by dedicating time and setting up reminders for meetings
• Participate actively and share your experiences openly and honestly
• Welcome accountability from fellow members to help you stay on track with your goals
• Listen with curiosity and be open to learning from others’ perspectives
• Ask questions and seek advice whenever you need guidance or support

Of course, if you’re not ready to commit to regular meetings yet, that’s okay. While consistency is beneficial, attending just a few sessions can still lead to meaningful progress.

Frequently-Asked Questions

What Are ADHD Support Groups?

ADHD support groups are safe, welcoming spaces where adults with diagnosed or suspected ADHD can come together to connect. In these groups, members share their experiences, challenges, and coping strategies.

How Do ADHD Support Groups Help Adults?

Support groups provide adults with ADHD a sense of belonging and connection, helping reduce feelings of isolation or loneliness. They also offer practical tools, advice, accountability, and motivation. By learning from others who are on a similar journey, members can discover new ways to manage symptoms and improve their overall quality of life.

Are Online ADHD Support Groups Effective?

Yes, online ADHD support groups can be just as effective as in-person ones. Virtual groups are more accessible and easier to fit into busy schedules. For many adults, this convenience makes it easier to maintain consistency and stay active. 

What Happens During an ADHD Support Group Meeting?

A typical ADHD support group meeting involves members sharing personal experiences and discussing topics related to ADHD. They may also exchange tips and advice. Some groups may include activities like body doubling, goal-setting, or skill-building exercises. 

ADHD Peer Support: Finding Strength in Numbers

Peer support is often overlooked in ADHD management. Yet, it’s one of the simplest and most powerful tools you can tap into. 

If you’re unsure where to start, try joining just one session to see how it feels. Hearing someone share a similar experience or learning one new coping strategy might spark meaningful change.

And if you’re looking for a starting point, consider exploring ADDA+. It offers expert-led webinars, courses, and tools to help you manage ADHD. Plus, you’ll be learning alongside a supportive community of peers who can help keep you motivated and accountable.

References

[1] Ginapp, C. M., Greenberg, N. R., Macdonald-Gagnon, G., Angarita, G. A., Bold, K. W., & Potenza, M. N. (2023). The experiences of adults with ADHD in interpersonal relationships and online communities: A qualitative study. SSM. Qualitative research in health, 3, 100223. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssmqr.2023.100223

[2] Connolly, R. D., Lamont, A., & Speed, D. (2023). Perceived Social Support on the Relationship Between ADD/ADHD and Both Anxious and Depressive Symptoms Among Canadian Adults. Journal of attention disorders, 27(3), 283–293. https://doi.org/10.1177/10870547221136227

[3] Nordby, E. S., Schønning, V., Barnes, A., Denyer, H., Kuntsi, J., Lundervold, A. J., & Guribye, F. (2025). Experiences of change following a blended intervention for adults with ADHD and emotion dysregulation: a qualitative interview study. BMC psychiatry, 25(1), 56. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-025-06476-1

[4] Lauder, K., McDowall, A., & Tenenbaum, H. R. (2022). A systematic review of interventions to support adults with ADHD at work-Implications from the paucity of context-specific research for theory and practice. Frontiers in psychology, 13, 893469. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.893469

[5] Skliarova, T., Pedersen, H., Holsbrekken, Å., Pedersen, S. A., Mandal, A., De Las Cuevas, C., Havnen, A., Gråwe, R., & Lara-Cabrera, M. L. (2024). Psychoeducational group interventions for adults diagnosed with attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder: a scoping review of feasibility, acceptability, and outcome measures. BMC psychiatry, 24(1), 463. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-024-05908-8

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Essentially, the partner with ADHD “bombs” the other partner with admiration, gifts, compliments, and attention. But this might not be reciprocated at the same level.

The term “love bombing” comes with a negative connotation because it’s typically used to define excessive affection to manipulate or make the other person dependent on you.

However, many ADHDers who display this often do so without any hidden motives. They genuinely adore and care for their partner. 

If you have ADHD or are dating someone with ADHD, it’s essential to understand why this phenomenon occurs and how both of you can navigate it.

This helps prevent misunderstandings, enabling you and your partner to build a healthy and strong relationship.

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The Hyperfocus Conundrum: Why ADHD Relationships Experience “Love Bombing”

Many ADHDers who “love bomb” actually do it out of goodwill. They’re not looking to gain power or influence in the relationship.

In most cases, each compliment, gift, and gesture is sincere and comes from the bottom of their hearts.

The question is, why does ADHD “love bombing” happen? 

This boils down to how the ADHD brain works.

While ADHD is commonly linked to poor focus and inattention, this isn’t always the case.^[1]

Sometimes, the ADHD brain may latch onto one particular thing, such as a love interest or hobby, and become very focused and preoccupied with it.

There are several possible explanations for these ADHD hyperfixations, including:

• Poor attentional regulation: The differences in the structure of the ADHD brain, particularly in the prefrontal cortex, can make it challenging for ADHDers to regulate their attention. They may struggle to take their focus off one thing and switch it to another.^[2]
• Lack of inhibitory control: The ADHD brain also has trouble with impulsivity and inhibitory control, which is the ability to regulate or suppress certain thoughts, emotions, and actions.^[2]
• Low dopamine: This chemical messenger plays a role in reward and motivation. Due to a dopamine dysfunction in the brain, ADHDers may be driven to engage in activities that increase dopamine function (e.g., the novelty of being in love or the thrill of pursuing a love interest).^[3]

Due to these reasons, an ADHDer may be highly invested in their partner at the start of the relationship, and this could seem like an ADHD love obsession.

They may shower them with attention, gifts, and compliments. And while some partners may enjoy this, others may feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed, or pressured.

This is where healthy communication is vital to preventing a misunderstanding. It’s important to talk about your feelings and how your partner’s actions affect you – and vice versa.

For help getting a deeper understanding of ADHD, try ADDA+. It’s a community of people who know what it’s like to live with ADHD. Lean on them to help navigate your journey with resilience and confidence.

Examples of “Love Bombing” in ADHD

People with ADHD may display a greater level of affection early on in the relationship. This can show up in the following ways:

• Wanting to move into the next stage of the relationship very quickly
• Wanting to know everything about their partner from the get-go
• Showering the other person with many gifts in a short period
• Always wanting to be around or hang out with their partner
• Giving many personal details about themselves early on
• Consistently texting or calling throughout the day
• Wanting to know their partner’s whereabouts
• Constantly giving a barrage of compliments

The ADHD partner might not realize that they’re overstepping their partner’s boundaries or putting pressure on them to move faster than they’d like.

If you have ADHD, keep in mind that it does not make you a “bad” partner. Your ADHD symptoms aren’t something you can switch on and off.

But taking responsibility for your actions – whether or not they’re due to ADHD – is something anyone can work on.

Breaking the Unhealthy Relationship Cycle

The initial “love bombing” of a relationship often doesn’t last forever.

As the novelty of the relationship wears off, the partner with ADHD might start to seem disinterested and less committed.

Their partner might notice a sharp drop in how much attention and affection they give, leaving them frustrated and disappointed.

At this stage of the relationship, conflicts, arguments, and a lack of intimacy can begin to build up.

But this doesn’t mean that dating with ADHD will never work out. Quite the opposite, many adults with ADHD are capable of building fulfilling and happy relationships with the person they love.

Of course, this will require both parties to be committed and intentional in making the relationship work.

Strategies for the Partner With ADHD

If you have ADHD, seeking professional help and treatment is one step that can improve the way you manage relationships and friendships. This can help you better handle the ups and downs of a relationship.

You can also try support groups specifically for those with ADHD. You can talk with people who have been where you are and know how you feel.

Apart from seeking support and treatment, here are some other ways to navigate “love bombing” in your relationship:

• Ask your partner how your actions make them feel. Find a quiet time to talk in a relatively distraction-free space.
• Find out how to make your partner feel comfortable and respected. Early in the relationship, they might not wish to discuss personal details. Maybe they want to take things a little slower.
• Learn about your partner’s boundaries. Ask for consent before any physical or sexual touches, and if they ask for space or time alone, remind yourself to respect that.

Say you’re currently in the “low” stage of your relationship, and the initial newness and excitement are wearing off. This doesn’t mean your relationship is failing or has lost its meaning.

If you and your partner have agreed on getting into a relationship, staying true to your commitment is important.

Here are some tips to help you get through the “downs” and build a healthy, sustainable relationship with your partner:

• Schedule date nights to spend time alone with your partner. You can try new activities together, such as a pottery class or a coffee tasting.
• Resolve conflicts instead of sweeping them under the carpet. If you find that either of you are angry or worked up, take some time to cool off before coming back together again to discuss.
• Communicate often. Be honest with your partner about your struggles and what you’re working on so they can better understand how to support you. Practice active listening when your partner speaks, and remind yourself not to interrupt them.

It’s not your fault that you have ADHD. But taking ownership of your actions is essential to becoming the best version of yourself for the people you love.

Strategies for the non-ADHD Partner

You might be understandably overwhelmed or pressured by your partner’s gestures and affection early in the relationship. If you feel uncomfortable, here are some things you can do:

• Voice your concerns to your partner. Be kind and loving but honest. Let them know that you feel a little overwhelmed or pressured, as this enables them to take accountability for their actions.
• Set healthy boundaries and be clear about them with your partner. Make sure you’re firm with your boundaries so the two of you can build independence apart from each other.
• Show that you care. It can be challenging for ADHDers to read other people’s body language or emotions. You can show your partner you love and care for them through your words and thoughtful gestures.
• Look out for yourself. In most cases, ADHDers “love bomb” with pure and good intentions. But you can still keep an eye out for signs of manipulative behavior.

If you and your partner have committed to being together, certain strategies for non-ADHD partners can help foster a strong relationship.

Here’s how you can play your role in maintaining the passion and love in your relationship:

• Learn and read up about ADHD. By understanding the symptoms better, you can avoid misunderstandings and focus more on the true intentions behind their actions.
• Support your partner’s efforts to seek help or treatment. If they want someone to accompany them for their first doctor’s visit or wish to seek couples counseling, try your best to be supportive.
• Create a safe place for your partner. They might be struggling with their symptoms or facing trouble at work. If they need someone to talk to, set aside time to comfort and encourage them.

Most importantly, remember to practice self-care.

All relationships take effort and work. And since you can’t pour from an empty cup, keeping your cup full gives you a larger bandwidth to be loving and patient with your partner.

How to Ride the Ups and Downs of Dating With ADHD

Dating with ADHD comes with considerable ups and downs.

To manage this, honest and caring communication is crucial. Learning to communicate effectively requires effort from both sides, but it will be worth it.

It’s also essential for both of you to establish your own boundaries and honor those of the other person.

When you’re both dedicated to making it work, a happy, lasting relationship is achievable.

If you’re interested in learning more about building relationships with ADHD, check out the ADDA+ online support group Loving and Living With ADHD Couples Connecting.

This resource hub for adult ADHDers offers expert-backed advice, knowledge, and tools that help people with ADHD understand their symptoms better and build meaningful relationships with those around them.

References

[1] Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. DSM-5 Changes: Implications for Child Serious Emotional Disturbance [Internet]. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2016 Jun. Table 7, DSM-IV to DSM-5 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Comparison. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519712/table/ch3.t3/

[2] Huang, C. (2022). A Snapshot Into ADHD: The Impact of Hyperfixations and Hyperfocus From Adolescence to Adulthood. Journal of Student Research, 11(3). https://doi.org/10.47611/jsrhs.v11i3.2987

[3] Blum, K., Chen, A. L., Braverman, E. R., Comings, D. E., Chen, T. J., Arcuri, V., Blum, S. H., Downs, B. W., Waite, R. L., Notaro, A., Lubar, J., Williams, L., Prihoda, T. J., Palomo, T., & Oscar-Berman, M. (2008). Attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder and reward deficiency syndrome. Neuropsychiatric disease and treatment, 4(5), 893–918. https://doi.org/10.2147/ndt.s2627

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However, dating someone with ADHD might reveal some of their challenges, too. All relationships take work, but with ADHD, a person might struggle with the logistical, emotional, or communication workload.

Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) affects a person’s thinking and behavior. People with this disorder typically find it challenging to stay focused, remember details, communicate well, and fulfill their responsibilities.^[1] These symptoms can affect relationships with the people they’re the closest to.

However, that doesn’t mean people with ADHD shouldn’t date. In fact, it’s 100% possible to build a meaningful and lasting relationship together.

If you and your partner have the willingness to work through the challenges, with self-awareness and understanding, you’ll strengthen your connection.

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Understanding ADHD in Relationships

ADHD affects relationships in different ways. Your partner may exhibit clear signs and symptoms that significantly impact their work and social life. On the other hand, they may only have a few symptoms of ADHD, leading to mild impairment.

Whether your partner seeks help and treatment can also impact how they communicate and handle their commitments and relationships.

The following is a list of some common characteristics of ADHD and how they might affect a relationship:^[1]

• Difficulty focusing: Due to poor focus, the individual may zone out during conversations.
• Forgetfulness: A person with ADHD might agree or promise to finish a certain task or run an errand and then forget about it later. They may also commit to social plans and forget to show up.
• Poor organization and time management: The individual may leave household tasks unfinished, causing more work for their partner. They may have difficulty planning meals, scheduling work, or being on time.
• Impulsivity: An ADHDer tends to interrupt or blurt things out without thinking, which can hurt the other person’s feelings. Depending on the situation and type of ADHD, impulsive decisions or risky behaviors may impact a relationship.
• Emotional reactivity: ADHD can make it challenging to control emotions. This can lead to outbursts of anger or frustration. In most cases, the individual is upset at the situation, not the other party.
• Love bombing: A person with ADHD may display immense, sometimes overwhelming, affection early in the relationship. After the novelty wears off, they may back off, leading to confusion and frustration.

It’s important to understand that ADHD changes the brain’s structure, chemistry, and function, leading to these behavioral traits and patterns.^[2] The resulting symptoms, like getting distracted during conversations, may cause you to feel unheard or unseen.

By learning more about the symptoms, you can better understand and interpret your partner’s actions and find effective ways to support them.

If you want to learn more about this, check out ADDA+. It’s a community of people with ADHD who share stories, knowledge, and offer support. It’s a great place to get help and access resources to improve your life.

Dating Someone With ADHD: Don’t Forget to Focus on the Good Parts

The positives that ADHD can bring, and the strengths of the ADHDer can add to a relationship. Learning to appreciate those traits in the person you’re dating is one way to connect deeper with each other.

Take, for instance, the high creativity ADHDers often possess. Many excel at thinking outside the box and finding unique solutions to problems. As you get to know them better, you may start to see things from a new perspective.

Most ADHDers also tend to be passionate, energetic, and empathetic, with a good sense of humor.^[3]

Of course, like anyone else, each ADHDer has their own unique personality, strengths, and values.

Don’t jump to conclusions about how ADHD may affect your partner. Instead, take the time to learn more about how they view things and manage different aspects of their life.

Supporting a Partner Who Has ADHD

Living with ADHD isn’t easy. What’s important is working together as a team to solve and prevent recurring conflicts.

Here are some tips on how to support someone with ADHD without compromising on your mental well-being and needs.

Work on Your Communication

It’s important to let your partner know how you feel and how their actions affect you. Letting frustration or disappointment fester can harm a relationship. However, conveying this message in an accusatory or highly critical way might cause your partner to shut down and become defensive.

You can try to use more “I feel” or “I want” statements to communicate. For example, you can say, “I feel like I’m not important when you interrupt me while I’m talking.” This is a better approach than saying, “Why don’t you ever listen to me when I speak?”

If either of you is angry or frustrated at that moment, it’s also a good idea to give each other space to cool down before talking.

Keep in mind that communication is a two-way street. Listen actively while your partner speaks, and give them a safe space to share their struggles and opinions. Try to visualize your partner’s thoughts and feedback positively instead of framing it as a counter-argument right off the bat.

Develop Helpful Coping Strategies Together

In most cases, ADHD in adults tends to involve persistent symptoms of inattention.^[4] This can lead to struggles at home, such as poor communication, failing to complete house chores, and forgetting errands, appointments, or important dates.

You can tackle this by sitting with your partner to discuss and determine which strategies can be built at home to solve these problems.

Here are some examples of tips that can help an ADHDer manage their household and relationship commitments:

• Create a rotating menu together and simplify meal prep to reduce the mental load
• Assess your household budget and keep track of your financial spending using an app
• Encourage your partner to set phone reminders for important events and dates – so you’re not the only one responsible for remembering things
• Split the chores and create a to-do list or cleaning schedule for your home
• Set up bill payment reminders or automatic payments

While you can help your partner set up systems to stay organized, it’s important that you don’t fall into a parent-child dynamic.

So, take a step back and sit down with your partner to discuss each others’ responsibilities. Suggest strategies, but encourage your partner to find what works best for them – and to seek additional support in the process. By clarifying these expectations, you’ll set up your relationship for success.

Compliment Your Partner

An important element to remember is that the person (and relationship) has unique strengths, and it helps to point them out. So take the initiative to appreciate and compliment them.

Research has shown ADHD is associated with lower self-esteem and confidence in adulthood.^[5] Plus, it doesn’t cost anything to be supportive and appreciative.

Take note of your partner’s unique strengths and talents. Maybe they’re great at a certain sport or brilliant at cooking. Perhaps they’re the most generous and empathetic person you’ve met.

Pointing these strengths out is an excellent way of reminding them what they’re truly capable of. You can also make it a point to appreciate and thank them for what they do for you.

Encourage Your Partner to Seek Help

ADHD cannot be cured, but is highly treatable.

Medications and therapy can effectively help a person manage their symptoms and improve their functioning in day-to-day life.^[6] An ADHD management plan may also include ADHD coaching and counseling.

If your partner isn’t already seeking professional help or treatment, encourage them to do so. Don’t be forceful or critical of their choices and opinions. Instead, remind them of the benefits of getting treated.

If they’re feeling hesitant or nervous about seeing a medical professional, ask them why they have those reservations. Additionally, you can offer to be their pillar of support as they seek the help they need.

Remember, seeking professional help is their choice. The best way to help is by destigmatizing discussions surrounding the topic and supporting them throughout the diagnosis or treatment process.

Another solution to consider is seeking relationship or marriage counseling from a health professional or therapist specializing in ADHD.

Draw Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship. It’s essential that you know what you’re willing to compromise on and what you won’t accept.

Knowing your limits in a relationship is one way to practice self-care. This keeps the relationship functional and encourages both partners to practice mutual respect.

Sit down and discuss your boundaries to set clear expectations in the relationship. These typically include emotional, financial, and physical boundaries.

For example, you won’t be doing all the household chores or paying off every bill, and your partner will need time and space alone before talking a conflict out.

You might need to find unique strategies to help each other fulfill those expectations. For instance, having a chore chart or routine may help remind your partner to complete their share of the household work.

A Fulfilling Relationship Is Possible With ADHD

A happy and successful relationship involves commitment and patience. If both partners are willing to learn and grow together, it’s possible to work your differences out and find personalized strategies to reduce the impact of ADHD on your relationship.

What’s key is to draw clear boundaries and make time for self-care activities. You don’t want to be running on an empty battery in any relationship, whether or not it involves ADHD.

You can also equip yourself to support a partner with ADHD by better understanding this disorder and its symptoms.

One way to do this is by joining ADDA+, a premier resource hub for adults living with ADHD. Here, you’ll get access to our Loving and Living With ADHD: Couples Connecting virtual support group.

References

[1] Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. DSM-5 Changes: Implications for Child Serious Emotional Disturbance [Internet]. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2016 Jun. Table 7, DSM-IV to DSM-5 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Comparison. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519712/table/ch3.t3/

[2] Rubia K. (2018). Cognitive Neuroscience of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Its Clinical Translation. Frontiers in human neuroscience, 12, 100. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2018.00100

[3] Sedgwick, J. A., Merwood, A., & Asherson, P. (2019). The positive aspects of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: a qualitative investigation of successful adults with ADHD. Attention deficit and hyperactivity disorders, 11(3), 241–253. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12402-018-0277-6

[4] Prakash, J., Chatterjee, K., Guha, S., Srivastava, K., & Chauhan, V. S. (2021). Adult attention-deficit Hyperactivity disorder: From clinical reality toward conceptual clarity. Industrial psychiatry journal, 30(1), 23–28. https://doi.org/10.4103/ipj.ipj_7_21

[5] Cook, J., Knight, E., Hume, I., & Qureshi, A. (2014). The self-esteem of adults diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD): a systematic review of the literature. Attention deficit and hyperactivity disorders, 6(4), 249–268. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12402-014-0133-2

[6] Kolar, D., Keller, A., Golfinopoulos, M., Cumyn, L., Syer, C., & Hechtman, L. (2008). Treatment of adults with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Neuropsychiatric disease and treatment, 4(2), 389–403. https://doi.org/10.2147/ndt.s6985

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You made a comment and the minute it left your mouth you realized that what you said was cringy and made people uncomfortable, so now no one will look you in the eye and you wish you had a time machine and go back and fix it.

As a person with ADHD, you often go into the wormhole when you’re talking and say things you meant to filter out. Instead of ending the conversation, you go on and on about some personal detail and by the time you’re finished, the people listening have your bank account numbers and a history of the sexual dysfunction in your family.

Despite the fact that you would never hurt anyone intentionally, your words offend and then you have to live with the regret and self-regulation hangover that sets in.

Why couldn’t you just control your mouth?

Here Are 5 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Yourself by Saying the Wrong Things At the Wrong Time

#1 Shift Your Self-talk

It’s easy to ruminate and create a story about every social misstep. And then to come up with a story you tell yourself about how people feel about you.

Instead of just believing all your negative inner self-talk, fact check your reasoning by asking yourself some powerful questions, including: 

• What is the story you are telling yourself?
• What evidence is there that this story is true?
• What else could be going on?

This doesn’t have to be a complicated process. The point is to not allow your reflexive or “instant” reactions to reinforce the story that you “always say the wrong thing at the wrong time.”

Sometimes it is true, but certainly not always.

And if you have said the wrong thing, try to practice some self-compassion and self-forgiveness so you can move forward. 

Forgiveness starts with shifting your self-talk and the story you tell yourself about your past social faux pas. Forgiving yourself for past mistakes is key so you can move forward.

#2 Identify the Emotional State You Were in When You Entered a Challenging Social Situation

When flooded with sensory information, lights feel brighter, sounds are louder and crowds seem to close in on us. Sensory bombardment and overwhelm can make situations draining and anxiety-provoking.

Start by diagnosing your emotional state as you enter a social situation. Check in with yourself about what has triggered you in the past and led to you losing control and saying the wrong things before.

Was it the: 

• environment
• people
• sensory experience
• crowds
• topic of conversation
• what happened earlier that day
• triggers from the past

Do some self-diagnosis.

When I .. (insert experience) then I … (tend to do)…

#3 Work on Self-Regulation

You find yourself simmering in their own emotions, bombarded by people talking, squinting because of the sunshine, while struggling to find your keys (that happen to be in their hand) all while walking into a social situation.

When you become activated by stress your arousal levels in your body and brain go up and up like an elevator climbing in a high rise. Losing your self-regulation occurs when those activation levels continue to rise and consequently, throw off your internal homeostasis.

Self-regulation that elusive state means bringing your body’s arousal levels down so you can return to homeostasis, here’s how it can be achieved:

• Take 5 minutes to become more centered, by engaging in a guided meditation, deep breathing
• Expel some of your energy by doing a short burst of exercise –  jumping jacks, running up stairs or doing push ups for 15-minutes will increase serotonin and dopamine and calm your mind down
• Take a walk outside or in the woods to experience a different canvas for your senses
• Inhale a scent that calms you, breathing deeply and slowly until you reach a calmer state
• Engage in Havening which can be CPR for the amygdala. Havening uses electromagnetic waves in the brain by using palm havening = rubbing your palms together, face Havening rubbing the face and arm havening self- soothing by rubbing the motion – the delta waves in the brain signal the amygdala that there is no threat and reduce anxiety and stress.

Watch Caroline Maguire’s TED Talk, “Becoming a Social Spy”

#4 Learn How to Be a Social Spy

If you are talking to someone, entering a social situation or realizing you are not sure what to do next- start with social spy.

Social spy is one of my absolute go-tos when someone needs to learn how to manage their social behavior but they’re not sure how to do it.

It looks like this: Scan the situation and watch people’s body language, facial expressions, and social cues. If you struggle to manage conversation and spy, then zoom-in on their face and then zoom-out on the room conversation and the bigger picture.

Finally, listen and observe what they talk about with others, what they read, what clubs they are members of and what sports they play.

#5 Know Your Audience

When you enter a social situation it’s hard to know what to say and what not to say. Unless you consider the situation and what the situation requires, it’s easy to respond incorrectly.

Not sure what the expected response should be? You can take your lead from observations you have made, including who is there and what they are about. For example:

• Do they like to joke around?
• Are there topics they prefer not to talk about?
• Are they a small group or do they include lots of people?

When you know your audience, you have the greatest chance of reading the situation correctly. Then, what you say is adjusted depending on the situation, the people who are there, your relationship with them and your comfort level with them.

Try using Social Spy in your life. And watch my Ted Talk on becoming a Social Spy for quick hacks… Caroline Maguire’s TED Talk, “Becoming a Social Spy”

If you’re looking for a community of like-minded people, consider joining ADDA+.

Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., PCC, author of the ground-breaking book, Why Will No One Play with Me? is a leading expert in social skills development. In her latest course (coming in January), she helps people become socially engaged, confident, and open to the unlimited world of learning, connection and life.

The post Oops I Did It Again! How to Stop Saying The Wrong Thing At The Wrong Time appeared first on ADDA - Attention Deficit Disorder Association.

Maybe you’ve forgotten your children’s birthdays or shown up late to their baseball games. Perhaps you’re overwhelmed trying to manage it all – and losing patience with your kids more often than you’d like.

You’re not alone if you face these challenges. After all, ADHD in adults is commonly linked to brain fog, poor memory, and high distractibility.^[1]

However, having ADHD does not make you a bad or irresponsible parent.

It’s important to show yourself compassion to break out of the cycle of guilt. Once you do, you’ll find the confidence and motivation to work toward positive change.

If you’re ready to approach parenting with self-love and awareness, you’re in the right place!

Originally published on October 4th, 2022, this article was updated and republished on October 20th, 2023.

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How ADHD Affects Your Parenting

Each parent faces unique challenges in raising their kids. Certain symptoms of ADHD can change how you care for your children and household.

Learning how to recognize the impact of ADHD on parenting can help you define areas for improvement and devise targeted strategies.

Here are some ways ADHD may affect parenting.

Emotional Regulation and Availability

Research shows that adults with ADHD are more likely to experience emotional dysregulation. This affects their ability to process and manage emotions in a way that achieves a positive goal.^[2]

Other research demonstrates that parents with emotional dysregulation may find it more challenging to parent with warmth, support, consistency, and structure.^[3]

In addition, ADHD symptoms can add to daily stress and make it harder for parents to be emotionally available for their children.

Certain strategies can help you manage your emotions better and build a trusting and secure relationship with your children.

Some healthy habits include practicing self-care, thinking before you act, and monitoring your emotions. Removing yourself from the situation when things get too heated is also a good practice.

With consistency, these healthy habits can become second nature.

Healthy Communication

Communication can be tricky with ADHD.

Parents with ADHD may find themselves drifting off during conversations, interrupting, or talking over their children.^[4] This might cause them to feel ignored, unheard, or unimportant.

Developing an open line of communication with your children will take some practice, but it’s definitely possible.

You can start by making a mental note to listen actively to your children while they speak. If you notice you’ve interrupted them, apologize and own up to it, then ask your children to continue where they left off.

Maintain eye contact and try to remove all distractions, like your phone, when conversing with your kids.

Organization, Structure, and Time Management

Organization and time management can be challenging for people with ADHD.

This can lead to the following issues in daily life:

• Struggling to manage your child’s homework, meals, bedtime, and other activities.
• Having trouble organizing your children’s belongings, such as toys, clothes, and school materials, which can cause clutter or misplacement of important items
• Forgetting important events or special occasions like a birthday or parent-teacher meeting
• Having time blindness, which makes it challenging to have your kids ready for school or other activities on time
• Struggling to create and stick to a routine at home
• Setting inconsistent rules and boundaries and failing to follow through with the consequences of breaking them

Many parents worry that they can’t be perfectly organized, and this fear can paralyze them.

So don’t strive for perfection when trying to build routines or structures. Be kind to yourself because both the big and small steps matter in the long run.

Moms With ADHD

Moms with ADHD may face unique challenges compared to dads, because women are more likely to have their ADHD go undiagnosed or untreated.^[5]

This may be because they more often experience symptoms of inattention, such as poor focus and memory. These symptoms are less obvious and disruptive to those around them than externalized symptoms of hyperactivity or impulsivity.^[6]

Additionally, women with ADHD are also more likely to experience co-occurring anxiety or depression. So their symptoms may be misdiagnosed as caused by these conditions.^[6]

As a result, moms with ADHD may not know they have it. And since moms usually tend to other people’s needs over their own, this might cause them to neglect their need for treatment.

In addition, women, on average, do more of the household labor, including parenting, child care, and organizational tasks (booking medical appointments, talking with teachers, planning family vacations, etc.). This on top of having ADHD, can be a lot.

If you’re a mom with ADHD, it’s important to seek support!

Similar to an airline’s safety message, you should wear your oxygen mask first before helping those under your care.

Likewise, by first meeting your own needs by getting the help of a professional, you’ll have a greater capacity to raise and support your kids.

How to Cope With ADHD While Parenting

There is no “right way” to parent. However, as a parent with ADD/ADHD, you may find that regularly reaching out for help and leaning on your community makes the process easier, like our virtual parent support group.

1. See a Doctor for Diagnosis and Treatment

Start by ensuring that you have a formal ADD/ADHD diagnosis.

This will go a long way toward validating yourself and the struggles you may be facing.

An ADHD diagnosis – for parent and child – often can also reduce feelings of guilt and alleviate stress.

Many treatment options are available once you’ve received a formal ADHD diagnosis. You and your doctor can discuss your treatment options to devise a management plan that suits your needs.

2. Reach Out to Your Support Network and Other Parents

Reaching out for help remains essential once you’ve received a diagnosis and decided on a treatment.

You don’t have to do everything by yourself.

Leaning on trusted loved ones can make the process much easier. Consider reaching out to other parents with kids participating in similar activities and interests and asking them how they stay organized.

A trusted group of parents to carpool and share activities with can lighten the load.

This will save you time and give you space to work on organizational and self-development skills that make parenting with ADHD easier.

3. Look After Yourself First

Everyone’s experience with ADHD is different. However, many struggle to maintain focus and stay organized.

This can be an issue for parents with ADHD, as raising a child requires you to track and schedule their entire lives.

You can improve your focus and mental clarity by focusing on yourself first.

Take the time to exercise regularly and eat a healthy, balanced diet.

Exercise can improve cognitive performance and help alleviate stress. This will increase your ability to focus and handle the challenges of parenting.

Once you’ve taken care of your mental health, try developing your organizational skills at home.

4. Learn Organizational Skills to Reduce Clutter and Chaos

Home organization expert Lisa Woodruff explains that getting organized with ADHD is a skill – you can learn to become better organized just as you can learn a new language.

Start organizing your home by concentrating on the areas of your house that cause the most disruption to your day as a parent.

The following are some tips to stay organized:

• The kitchen: Reorganize food containers that pile up and remove any that don’t get used.
• Sports gear: Place each child’s sports gear into their own plastic tubs.
• Laundry: Wash your child’s school clothes separately and all at once so nothing gets lost.

These steps aren’t definitive but should get you thinking about ways to become more organized to support your children.

Be prepared for setbacks. But keep firm that investing time into applying organizational skills will significantly benefit you and your household.

5. Find Out If Your Child Is Also Struggling with ADHD

Although the cause of ADHD isn’t known, it tends to run in families. So, your child may be more likely to have ADHD.

If you notice similar symptoms or struggles in your child, it’s best to seek professional advice.

Coach and ADHD writer Lis Lewis recommends getting in touch with a doctor or therapist if you’re struggling to keep everyone on track.

Next, Lewis recommends paying attention to the way your brain works to better support your child with ADHD.

Think about what may cause challenges for you and consider the self-care that has worked previously.

Your child may face different challenges than you, but working from your own experience is an excellent place to start.

ADHD-Friendly Solutions to Parenting

Raising a family is one of the world’s greatest joys, but it takes a lot of work. With ADHD in the mix, working smart, not just hard, is all the more important.

Here are some ADHD-friendly strategies that can help you manage parenting and your household better.

Use Externalized Reminders

Externalized reminders and alarms can help you keep track of your appointments, chores, and your children’s activities.

Here are some examples of how you can create reminders that actually work:

• Add important events, occasions, and appointments to your phone’s calendar and set a reminder for them.
• Create recurring weekly or monthly reminders (e.g., for bill payments or your kid’s weekly dance classes).
• Put sticky note reminders at places you usually look at, like the countertop or mirror.
• Mount a bulletin board or whiteboard someplace visible for the family’s appointments or your to-do list.
• Carry a physical notepad or journal around to record all your tasks, then rearrange all the listed tasks based on priority.

This is where you can use technology to your advantage. There are plenty of reminder apps that can help you stay on track.

Establish Routines and Plan Ahead

Routine and structure can help you organize your household better.

Having a set time for different chores, such as doing the laundry or cleaning the bathroom, can help you remember them better. These chores can also be split among family members and delegated using a weekly chore chart.

You can also have a fixed bedtime, mealtimes, or study time for your children to encourage them to stay organized.

Having a fixed schedule also helps you plan ahead. For example, instead of rushing each morning, you can schedule a time to pack everyone’s lunches and school bags the night before.

Set Boundaries and Enforce Them

Rules and consequences for breaking them are essential to teach your children good values, maintain safety, and keep your household in check. Without proper boundaries, chaos will follow.

Examples of useful rules for kids include:

• Doing their share of the chores
• Sticking to a curfew
• Keeping their belongings in the designated places

Chat with your children about certain family household rules, and explain their purpose. If your kids are mature enough, you can also ask for their input and consider applying their suggestions.

Turn Your ADHD Into a Parenting Advantage

Parenting with ADHD is tricky, but millions of parents are finding ways to overcome their challenges and thrive. Asking for help from medical professionals and your support network can make the process easier.

Remember that you aren’t a bad parent. You have a unique perspective on life – which you can use to your advantage when raising your child.

Explore ADDA’s virtual support groups, like the women’s support group.

If you’d like to join a supportive and inclusive community of people who understand what you’re going through, check out ADDA+.

References

[1] Targum, S. D., & Adler, L. A. (2014). Our current understanding of adult ADHD. Innovations in Clinical Neuroscience, 11(11-12), 30–35.

[2] Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 276–293. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2013.13070966

[3] Goagoses, N., Bolz, T., Eilts, J., Schipper, N., Schütz, J., Rademacher, A., Vesterling, C., & Koglin, U. (2022). Parenting dimensions/styles and emotion dysregulation in childhood and adolescence: a systematic review and Meta-analysis. Current Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-022-03037-7

[4] Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. DSM-5 Changes: Implications for Child Serious Emotional Disturbance [Internet]. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2016 Jun. Table 7, DSM-IV to DSM-5 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Comparison. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519712/table/ch3.t3/

[5] Stibbe, T., Huang, J., Paucke, M., Ulke, C., & Strauss, M. (2020). Gender differences in adult ADHD: Cognitive function assessed by the test of attentional performance. PloS One, 15(10), e0240810. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0240810

[6] Young, S., Adamo, N., Ásgeirsdóttir, B. B., Branney, P., Beckett, M., Colley, W., Cubbin, S., Deeley, Q., Farrag, E., Gudjonsson, G., Hill, P., Hollingdale, J., Kilic, O., Lloyd, T., Mason, P., Paliokosta, E., Perecherla, S., Sedgwick, J., Skirrow, C., Tierney, K., … Woodhouse, E. (2020). Females with ADHD: An expert consensus statement taking a lifespan approach providing guidance for the identification and treatment of attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder in girls and women. BMC Psychiatry, 20(1), 404. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-020-02707-9

The post The Challenges of Parenting With ADHD (and How to Handle Them) appeared first on ADDA - Attention Deficit Disorder Association.

Originally published on November 8th, 2016, this article was updated and republished on September 24th, 2022.

Last month was ADHD Awareness Month. This occurs each October and stirs up much awareness about a condition millions of adults and children live with and manage. Myths were debunked and the latest and greatest information was available to everyone with Internet access. More people got over the stigma that surrounds the condition and even more people were able to discover people in their lives living with ADHD.

So, why is there still confusion about ADHD?

Take my word; the confusion isn’t due to lack of knowledge. We know a lot. ADHD isn’t like ALS, a degenerative disease that continues to mystify scientists. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that impairs the executive functions, the functions of the brain associated with activation, focus, effort, emotions, memory and action. Some of the symptoms of ADHD include:

• Distractibility
• Poor memory
• Poor listening skills
• Restlessness
• Time blindness
• Intense emotions
• Chronic procrastination

I found out about ADHD the day my sister told me she had it. At that time we were in the throes of dealing with our mother who was fighting for her life. A battle she would surrender to two years later. We weren’t the closest of siblings, but when it came to mom we were surprisingly on the same page. So, imagine my surprise when just minutes after a poignant trip down memory lane, I apologized for being such a mean big sister in childhood, she started to repeat the tired old rhetoric of my abusive big-sister status, as if I had not just apologized! I stared at her with the most dumbfounded, you-are-kidding-me look and said, “Did we not JUST go over this?” And that is when she said that it must be her ADHD and yes, she confessed she heard me minutes before, but she hadn’t really processed what I said.

Well, that was an eye-opener. That was also a very strange concept to wrap my head around. But she described what her doctor had explained to her; ADHD could be understood as a processing disorder. That made sense to me. In fact, just months prior, my husband and I had had our daughter tested for a learning disability and the results came back negative on the learning impairment, but she did score very low in processing. Hmmm.

Until then, I admit, I hadn’t ever considered how differently we process information. As humans, I assumed the information itself was what determined whether someone could process it or not. For example, math, I cannot easily process while, with language arts, I excel. Therefore, I believed, math is hard to learn and language is easy. This is just faulty logic as it turns out. The truth is that my brain can process the code of language far faster and easier than the code of numbers. It’s all about how I uniquely process information.

So, ultimately, that’s why there’s always going to be a lot of confusion surrounding ADHD. How it affects someone is unique to them. True, there are broad commonalities among the ADHD population. There’s the unique way they process time. There’s the way they have trouble prioritizing and organizing. And there’s the issue of not staying motivated and engaged with something; everything becomes boring at some point, and that’s when they can easily shut down. But the degrees to which these things affect the person vary and the specific areas in which they struggle are unique to each person, so there’s no rule. That’s why ADHD so confounding.

But now you know the process, you know the drill. There’s no magic bullet to solve any of the challenges of ADHD because they vary from individual to individual. And, on top of that, usually, when a solution to one of the challenges is discovered, it’s only a temporary Band-Aid until a newer, more interesting fix can be found. (There’s also a perpetual stimulation or novelty seeking behavior that’s characteristic of the condition, but I’ll save that for another story.) Hopefully though, what I’ve shared today has lessened the confusion. Please comment below if you still have questions!

If you’d like to understand more about adult ADHD, ADDA+ offers 200+ webinars, peer support groups, work groups, and much more.

The post My Little Sister Has ADHD appeared first on ADDA - Attention Deficit Disorder Association.

I have enjoyed the first year of ADDA’s Non-ADHD Partner Peer Support Group. From the feedback I’ve heard, our participants enjoyed it as much as or more than I did!

Today, I want to share some “tips and hints” that worked for our partners.

NOTE: I’ve changed names to keep it less confusing. Couples are “husband with ADHD” and “wife without.” Our apologies to guys and non-traditional couples.

I dug through my notes to find the very best advice our members offered each other. My criteria for deciding what to share with you were:

1. the idea has to have produced results for more than one couple,
2. it has to be practical and specific, and
3. it has to be something you can do yourself.

Why “yourself”? One of the most common questions we hear is, “What can I do if my partner is not on board?” Unfortunately, many live with someone in denial or minimizing their behavior’s impact.

I divided the suggestions into two types: Actions and Attitudes. Actions are behaviors you might try to put in place. Attitudes are ways of looking at your situation that you might find helpful.

Originally published on April 26th, 2018, this article was updated and republished on September 16th, 2022.

1. Action: Self-Care

At the very top of the list is self-care. To work on your relationship, you must take care of yourself first. And that’s especially true if you have kids. Make sure you and they are as healthy as you can be while you work on managing ADHD in your household.

What does self-care look like? Get enough restful sleep. Eat well. Exercise. And take time for the things you enjoy.

It may seem impossible at first. “I’m already stretched too thin!” “Where will I find the time?” But all who tried it say it’s worth the effort. When you’re not exhausted and frustrated, it’s easier to fit other things into your schedule.

Many said they had to get past feeling guilty or selfish when they take time for themselves. But they saw results in themselves, their kids, and their relationships. Then they knew it was worth it.

It might be easier than you think: Carol said she asked her husband to make a small grocery run with the kids. They were gone less than half an hour, but during that time, she was able to do the dishes. It doesn’t seem like much. But she enjoyed doing the dishes and felt recharged.

Mary told us she keeps a “venting book” in the trunk of her car. When she gets too frustrated, she takes a short drive. She stops to write down her thoughts. It’s a way to get it out of her head, and it’s a break from the situation—another form of self-care.

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2. Attitude: Think of ADHD as a Cultural Difference That Will Always Exist

We’ve had a few international members and couples from many different types of families. Some cultures have stricter expectations about the roles of husbands and wives. Families have different views about “appropriate” behavior.

When you marry your partner, you marry their upbringing too.

Everyone must adjust.

Some members compared that with adjustments they’ve made to live with their ADHD partner. It’s a useful model. It helps us stop asking who’s right or wrong.

They aren’t right or wrong. They are different. And they will always be with us. These aren’t things to “fix.” You must integrate them into the relationship.

Thinking of these as cultural differences lets you feel less offended. The behaviors aren’t directed at you. It’s not that he doesn’t love you or doesn’t care. He grew up in a different world, with a different frame of reference.

3. Action: Boundaries, Part 1 – Set Them and Keep Them

You’ve heard it a million times, but what does it mean? And, does it work? There are good books, podcasts, and videos about setting boundaries. Instead of talking about it, I’ll share some of our members’ stories.

Let’s look at the boundaries they set and the impact they had:

• Kaye’s husband had problems with his headset. It made it hard for her to understand him when he called. Finally, she told him that instead of repeating that she couldn’t hear him, she would hang up. He should call from another phone or text instead. It worked. He took care of the problem. No fighting or threats. A firm boundary.
• Several members talked about their partners making them late for events. In Angela’s case, her (ADHD) husband was the one who cared if they were late, but he relied on her to push him out the door on time. When she said she wasn’t going to do that anymore, he complained and argued, but she stood her ground. He stepped up and took responsibility for making sure they were on time.

A few others said they were quitting the Timekeeper job, too, with mixed results.

In some cases, the husband stepped up and paid more attention. In others, though, they’re still arriving late but have let go of feeling responsible.

Boundaries, Part 2 – Establish Some BASELINE Rules

This is another way of setting boundaries. Be clear. Be consistent. Members have had success when they used some of the following:

• You can’t be rude to people and blame it on your ADHD. If you do something impulsive and it has an impact – own up to it and apologize.
• Please refrain from using the words “I promise I will…” We both know the odds are you’ll slip up at some point. Then, you’ll feel bad, guilty, and ashamed, and I’ll feel angry. Say something more like “I’ll commit not to do X for the next six weeks” and revisit it then. Or “If I do Y again, you have my permission to call me on it.” And DO call them on it.
• When you say things like, “Let’s do a movie this weekend,” it’s not a commitment. It’s only a commitment if you put it in the calendar. And don’t put it in the calendar unless you’re committed.
• If things are getting too heated, have a code word. Using your code word means, “Let’s not have this fight right now, let’s talk about it later.” (More on this below.)
• I am not your alarm clock or your calendar. If you have to be somewhere, it’s up to you to get there.

• When you’re talking to me, please talk to me like there’s another person in the room listening. You treat me better when there’s someone else who might hear what you say.

Would any of these be helpful for you?

4. Action: Make Sure “We’ll Talk About It Later” HAPPENS

Learning to de-escalate conflict is a basic survival skill for any couple. It’s helpful to have verbal or visual cues when an argument is going to escalate or go around in endless circles.

One couple uses the word “kibosh,” and another comes right out and says, “We’ll get back to this later.”

It defuses the situation, but if your partner has ADHD, there’s one more thing to consider. Given our “now/not-now” way of handling time, the odds are good that “we’ll get back to it later” won’t happen.

So, you need to take one more step: make sure your partner commits to a date and time to do the follow-up. You can suggest one or ask them to, but don’t leave it with “later.”

5. Action: Vacations – Just Do It

Does this scenario sound familiar?

Mom has been asking Dad about summer vacation plans for months. Dad is always busy but promises he’ll get to it “soon.”

At some point, Mom takes it on herself to do the planning. When Dad finds out, he’s upset. Not only did Mom usurp his authority (never said that way, of course), but she isn’t thinking BIG enough.

Mom’s vacation is a trip to Six Flags. Dad wants to rent a mobile home and drive cross-country. He’ll stop at the Grand Canyon, then do a little mountain climbing in Colorado. That is, if they don’t go to Europe. Or China. Or both.

One of our moms ended up renting movies and having pizza night at home with her daughters. It was a wonderful stay-cation, but it wasn’t the original plan.

They had bought plane tickets and made hotel reservations for a week out of town. But Dad kept delaying until they’d missed their flight and lost the reservation.

At least two other moms said they’d given up on family vacations. They find interesting things to do around town.

Sharing stories like these helped other moms take hold of their vacation plans. One made it clear to Dad that she and the kids are going on vacation with or without him.

Another gave Dad two options. This made him feel like he was part of the decision. And she didn’t watch him go through an endless stream of possibilities.

Barbara takes a very creative approach. She makes travel plans with some favorite neighbors. That way, the kids have someone to play with, and she has good friends to sit with around the campfire.

6. Attitude: Maintain Hope by Managing Expectations

Bob said living with his wife’s ADHD sometimes makes him feel like Charlie Brown. Lucy is holding that football. He knows she’ll pull it away when he tries to kick it, but he does it anyway. Maybe this time it will be different.

Just as when you have a good day with your ADHD partner. Maybe this time, it’ll stick. Maybe this time, he’ll keep the promise. Or he’ll consider your feelings before making a decision. Or he’ll do what he has to do to keep his job.

Our partners are on a roller coaster, and it isn’t fun. We say, “I’ll do better,” and we mean it, but six months later, we’re both looking back, wondering, “What happened?”

How can we expect anyone to live with this?

The best answer we’ve come up with is that it helps to accept that it IS a roller coaster. It helps to know that the low points are only temporary. But when things are going well, you can’t expect it to last forever.

It’s difficult. And sad. Some partners don’t let themselves enjoy the good days. They’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Others say it’s made them live more in the moment. They enjoy the positive when it comes, but they don’t expect a permanent change.

The most helpful advice seemed to be this: accept highs and lows. Be realistic about what you can expect from your partner.

7. Action: Don’t Be Afraid to Be Obvious

This final bit of advice is short and sweet but has worked for several couples: Make things visible.

• Put Post-It notes on the bathroom mirror with a list of today’s tasks.
• Label drawers and cabinets with contents so he knows where to find/put things.
• Be explicit about who’s making dinner tonight.
• Get a shared calendar – online or on paper.
• Repeat and revisit commitments and promises so you can build on past success.

And communicate. Be honest and direct. Say,

• “I need this from you…”
• “I don’t know what you mean….”
• And, yes, say, “I love you, and I’m in this with you.” Both of you.

That last piece is the most useful thing I’ve learned this year from all our amazing members. Communication is critical. Communication and commitment. No books or articles will help. No advice or counseling will help.

Both of you must commit to making it work. It can be a long road, and the results may not be what you expect. But wherever you end up, you’ll be there together.

Here are some more tips on how to date someone with ADHD.

Explore our Virtual ADHD Partner Support Group to reach people who go through the same challenges and hurdles with their ADHD partners. Also, visit our Loving and Living with ADHD group to discover strategies for reigniting the passion in ADHD relationships.

If you’d like to join a supportive and inclusive community of people who understand what you’re going through, check out ADDA+.

The post Actions and ADDitudes – 7 Relationship Strategies for Non-ADHD Partners appeared first on ADDA - Attention Deficit Disorder Association.

Read that again. You probably don’t hear it often enough.

Adults With ADHD Can Have Happy, Fulfilling Marriages

The statistics are scary, and at times you might not believe it’s possible to make a marriage work with ADHD in the mix. You fight too much. Your house is a mess. You can’t find your keys. You’re late for appointments, if you even remember that you have them. The bills are late. You say things without thinking or tune out during important conversations.

Life is chaotic. And still, adults with ADHD are completely capable of happy, fulfilling marriages.

All marriages have their ups and downs, but if one or both spouses have ADHD, the relationship is significantly more challenging. Two people, two lives entwined, every day, under one roof…and ADHD. It’s complex, it’s hard, it’s beautiful, and it’s not impossible.

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You Choose if You Strengthen or Weaken Your Rope

Marriage is like a rope. The entwined threads can either be sturdy or frayed. The rope stays strong and supportive as you both reach and climb upward together. But with too much stress, the threads can become twisted and frayed, the rope weakens, and gradually your relationship starts to fall apart.

The good news is that you are always an active participant in your marriage. You can choose your role, how you communicate, and the behaviors that can either strengthen or weaken your bond.

If you are willing and ready to strengthen the rope that holds you and your spouse together, you will bring back the warm, cozy feeling you had when you first met.

Relationships Thrive When…

Remember when you met? Do you remember the sparks that were flying between you when you looked into each other’s eyes? Something about that person made you want to spend the rest of your lives together. You can bring that feeling back again.

In fact, it can be even better than that – a deeper, more mature, and profound connection – if you choose to make the effort.

Relationships thrive when both partners act lovingly towards one another, are willing to make an effort to grow, and are committed to working on themselves.

ADHD Symptoms that Affect Relationships

The first step to building a thriving relationship when dating someone with ADHD is to reflect on how you or your partner’s ADHD affects it.

In general, ADHD symptoms can be divided into two main categories: inattention and hyperactivity/impulsivity.

Symptoms of inattention may lead to the following challenges:^[1]

• Difficulty finishing household chores and staying organized
• Missing dates, appointments, or special occasions
• Poor focus and drifting during conversations
• Forgetting to run errands as promised
• Not managing finances well

These symptoms may cause the non-ADHD partner to feel unseen and unheard. They might also feel like they have to shoulder all the household tasks alone, which can result in burnout for the non-ADHD spouse.

Symptoms of impulsivity in ADHD can cause issues as follows:

• Interrupting your partner during conversations ^[1]
• Struggling to regulate emotions^[2]
• Blurting out hurtful remarks
• Having emotional outbursts

Additional symptoms of ADHD that can affect relationships are:

• Emotional Dysregulation
• Lovebombing
• Hyperfixation

The person with ADHD isn’t at fault for their symptoms. ADHD is not an attitude problem, it’s a condition that affects the brain.

But it’s still crucial for them to take responsibility for their behavior and seek the treatment they need.

The good news is that ADHD symptoms can be effectively managed using therapy and medications.

There are also options for ADHD coaching and counseling. Working with professionals can provide valuable guidance and insights on dating with ADHD.

7 Ways to Live Peacefully with ADHD

Apart from professional treatment, having the right habits, mindset, and attitude toward your relationship can help turn things around.

Here are 7 tips to help you and your partner live peacefully with ADHD:

1. Bring Back the Love

You loved each other once. As the years go by, you know more about each other. The “real” person comes out. Often you find yourself thinking, what happened to the person I fell in love with? The more comfortable you get in relationships, the more you take them for granted. You forget to nurture and nourish them.

Expectations cause disappointment. Resentment sets in, secretly hiding in the background of your lives.

With ADHD, life can be lived impulsively or haphazardly. After a hard day at the office, a stressful commute home, and driving children to after-school activities, it’s hard to feel romantic, especially when you are late, forget your keys, or realize you didn’t pick up your kids.

It sounds unnatural, but if you want to reconnect emotionally, you have to schedule private time for your relationship. Yes, that means make a date (like the old days). Put it in your calendar.

Busy days filled with work, phones, and Facebook can distance us from our partners. Schedule a “shut down” time at least once a week: no phones, no TV, no interruptions. Just be together. Talk about your day. Leave out the comments, judgment, and criticism. Pretend you’re on a first date again.

2. Slow Down

Life with ADHD is often frantic. Leaving the house, finishing projects, and showing up for appointments on time can be stressful for a person with ADHD. Each day whizzes by. Sometimes you can’t even remember where you went, what you did, and who you were with.

ADHD is fast-moving; in the body and the mind. Take time to slow down your body. Intentionally, move slower. Your mind will follow.

3. Accept Imperfections

People with ADHD have a few more challenges than most. However, everyone is imperfect—even you. Once you accept your flaws, you will think differently about your partner’s imperfections. We are human; all of us are struggling through life individually, yet together. Judgmental, critical thoughts distance you from peace and love.

4. Look for the Good

Every trait has a positive and negative side to it. The trait that drives you crazy is probably the same trait that brings a benefit to your life. Start by giving compliments. Say something nice. Sometimes you have to look hard to find it, but if you value your relationship, it’s worth the effort.

Remember your impulsive partner may be the fast-acting doctor, nurse, or EMT who is saving someone’s life.

5. Prioritize Your Conflicts

Most things couples fight about aren’t worth the effort. Every comment, disappointment, or difference of opinion does not have to turn your home into a battlefield.

Try not to react when negative emotions are strong. Speaking while angry causes damage to your partner and the relationship. Take space for yourself to manage your feelings and pick your battles.

6. Be On the Same Team

One of the most important things you can do is join forces. Be on the same team. Bickering, competing, and criticizing are habits that are harmful to a loving relationship.

When you’re in the midst of negativity, be it an argument or just the voice in your head, remember to regroup, readjust, and realign your thoughts so that you feel united with your partner.

7. Practice Compassion

This is indispensable within any relationship. A person with ADHD often feels disappointed, overwhelmed, and frustrated. When a person with ADHD appears to be acting selfishly, it may be that they are feeling overwhelmed with their own thoughts.

ADHD takes up a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth. It’s exhausting, and often the ADHDer is struggling to get through the next task.

Slow down, be compassionate, and refrain from judgment. Your ADHD loved one will respond lovingly to your kindness.

An ADHD relationship requires patience and compassion, at times more than other relationships. Understanding what it feels like to have ADHD- without judgment- will help both partners stay on the same page and allow you to regain a peaceful, happy home.

The more love you give, the more you will receive.

Teamwork is Key to a Healthy Relationship 

Remember that you’re not against but for each other in your relationship.

Instead of trying to win a conflict or argument, try to work together to find a middle ground or solution to prevent recurring issues.

Ultimately, a happy relationship is definitely possible. This can be achieved with a willingness to give and take and support each other through the ups and downs.

If you’re in a committed relationship where ADHD is a third partner, ADDA+ is for you. It’s a supportive and inclusive community of people who understand what you’re going through, with expert-ed programs like the ADHD Couples Support Group. Join ADDA+ today.

References

[1] de la Peña, I. C., Pan, M. C., Thai, C. G., & Alisso, T. (2020). Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Predominantly Inattentive Subtype/Presentation: Research Progress and Translational Studies. Brain Sciences, 10(5), 292. https://doi.org/10.3390/brainsci10050292

[2] Soler-Gutiérrez, A. M., Pérez-González, J. C., & Mayas, J. (2023). Evidence of emotion dysregulation as a core symptom of adult ADHD: A systematic review. PloS One, 18(1), e0280131. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0280131

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• In what contexts do you notice your symptoms?
• What do you identify as symptoms?  How do YOU experience ADHD?
• Are your symptoms more internal/external?
• How much masking do you do?
• Is your self-care a factor?

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Oh gosh, this is so hard. The snarky part of me is thinking that if your grandchild was diagnosed, one of his parents definitely has ADHD. Often, those who deny the condition, or hold unreasonable expectations around it, do so because they are fighting an internal battle we cannot see.

My younger brother proudly states that he doesn’t treat his ADHD. He frequently tells me, “those pills are just a crutch.”

So I asked him, “Why would a person need to use crutches or a brace?”

My brother, looking at me like I’m a moron, said, “So they can hold themselves up and do what they need to do.”

“My point exactly.”

Maybe the best thing you can do to support your grandchild is to get really curious with the parents. Ask them if they are willing to talk more about what they feel ADHD really is, and what it means to them.

Try to gather as much intel as possible by asking questions. If something happens at school, ask them why they think he is struggling.

Don’t try to educate them yourself. They will come to better conclusions on their own if you tread lightly.

In the meantime, tell your grandson you’d be glad to support him in any way you can. My grandparents made a huge difference in my mental health and in my understanding of how ADHD shows up over generations.

Hope this helps!

-liz

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Do you feel guilty and ashamed for days after you make a tiny mistake? Do you worry that others will hate you forever because you upset them? Do you judge yourself guilty as charged even in situations where other people think you haven’t done anything wrong?

Rejection sensitivity can cause issues in personal and romantic relationships, and lead to problems like depression and anxiety. Being overly sensitive to judgment, criticism, and rejection can lead to frequent misunderstandings and unhealthy relationships.

A Familiar Conversation

I forgot.

Honestly, I tried to remember to make the cookies but somewhere between tying on an apron and looking up a recipe I found a new Trevor Noah episode and took an online survey, and by the time Abigail got home I hadn’t even preheated the oven.

“Martina, did you make the cookies like you promised?”

The cookies. “Shoot. No. I forgot.”

“Seriously? You forgot again? Why didn’t you set a reminder on your phone or something?”

“I, um… I forgot to do that too. I’m so sorry, Abby! I really meant to make the cookies; look, I’m even wearing an apron, but I got distracted and now it’s too late…”

“Okay, well there’s nothing we can do about it now. Cami’s already on her way. It’s fine.”

****

The next day I woke up feeling terrible and I couldn’t think what was wrong at first. But then I remembered. The cookies. I forgot. Abby must absolutely hate me, she’s probably so mad. She hates me. So much for that relationship.

I was too scared to talk to her so I left for work while she was in the shower. But when I should have been shelving books, all I could think about was what a terrible person I am, because I can’t even make a batch of cookies on time, and how upset I was that I ruined my relationship with Abby.

****

When I got home, Abby was waiting for me. “Hey, how was work? You left before I even got to see you this morning!”

She’s pretending, I thought. She’s waiting for the right moment. This is it.

“Look, Abby, I’m so sorry! I just didn’t think it through, I should have set a reminder or just paid more attention! Please forgive me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The cookies. I forgot them and you needed them for Cami and Ezra.”

“Huh? Those? That’s not a big deal. Don’t worry about it.”

“But you were so mad…”

“I was a little disappointed. I wasn’t mad. In fact, I had forgotten all about it until you reminded me.”

“Oh.”

That kind of made sense. When I really thought about it, Abby didn’t act that angry about the cookies. It was me who was angry at myself for messing up. I just thought Abby must care as much as I did. Maybe if I had spent more time listening to her than to my own judgmental self, I could have spent less time worrying about how upset she might be.

“Next time I’ll set a reminder.”

“Okay. And if I get angry at you, I’ll tell you, alright? Instead of you thinking I’m mad at you when I am not.”

“Okay. Thanks, Abby.”

Say Hello to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

If this sounds like an exchange you’ve had before, say hello to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria!

RSD is a symptom of ADHD, and it makes you extra-sensitive to judgment and failure. It is the reason you feel completely rejected when your partner criticizes you and it is behind your harsh judgment of yourself. It makes you feel guilty and ashamed about even unimportant errors.

You don’t deserve to be judged harshly! You deserve a fair trial, just like everybody else. But RSD is unlikely to give you one.

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4 Things You Can Do When You Feel Judged

That’s why you need to take steps to avoid being punished by your RSD. Here are four things you can do when you are feeling judged or criticized by yourself or your partner:

1.     Take a moment to hear what is actually going on. When you are upset, you may hear your partner saying something entirely different than what they mean. If you hear, “You’re such a failure,” is that actually what your partner is saying? Probably not.
2.     Write down exactly what happened. If you can’t concentrate today because you feel so bad about forgetting to get the groceries yesterday, try writing down the interaction with your partner that followed. Maybe you missed the part where they forgave you. Maybe they were not as angry at you as you were!
3.     Get another person’s opinion. When you find yourself overanalyzing an argument you had with your partner, ask them how they think it went. How angry were they? Are they still upset? The more you think about something, the worse it can seem. Getting another opinion may help you to realize that the argument wasn’t as terrible as you remember.
4.     Pay attention to how you react when you feel criticized or judged. Does the criticism feel much harsher than it should be? You may be reacting to other instances of criticism, adding them all together. It’s important to disentangle the past from the present, so that you can hear what your partner is saying now instead of years of past judgment.

Watch Out for Your Harshest Critic

RSD makes you judgmental towards yourself, super-sensitive to criticism, and apt to overanalyze your past mistakes. But the thing about this sensitivity is that you are your own worst critic! Most of the judgement you are experiencing is from yourself, not anybody else. This is why it’s important to figure out what actually happened in those situations so you can judge yourself fairly, not harshly.

Take a peek at ADDA’s virtual support groups. We’re sure you’ll find a community that speaks right to you.

If you’d like to join a supportive and inclusive community of people who understand what you’re going through, check out ADDA+.

Ellianna was born in America, but spent most of her life in eSwatini, a tiny kingdom in southern Africa. This collision of cultures has made her a TCK – a Third Culture Kid – which is the subject of her blog.

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Your coworker stares at you with mouth open and a shocked look. They are confused, dumbfounded and even a little hurt. You have no idea. In the silence on their end of the “conversation”…which was actually your runaway-train monologue diatribe about how you didn’t have all the information you needed, didn’t have time to do your best work, the computer kept glitching, you didn’t hear back from Victor on the questions you asked, how are you supposed to work under these conditions and more. Your volume rising, face getting redder and your words rushing faster and faster.

When you must pause… to take a breath… you realize your coworker has said nothing. You were ranting. You see their big eyes and open mouth. Oh $#*%… Then another flood comes… This time you are aware of your body and other thoughts and feelings begin… What just happened? You begin to feel sick to your stomach, your face goes pale. You might feel clammy. Or flushed. You want to snap at them again. You may want to walk away. You may just stand there silently… you don’t know what to do. How did I end up here… AGAIN?!?!

This is one example of emotional dysregulation with an externalized manifestation… an outburst, of sorts. Something triggers our brain (amygdala) into survival mode (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn). It is connected to our experiences, beliefs, fears, sensitivities and the imbalance of neurotransmitters in ADHD brains. And, for so many ADHDers, it happens so quickly and so intensely it is overwhelming. And often has significant consequences. You are feeling threatened.

The amygdala (primal brain) gets turned on and the prefrontal cortex (our evolved higher brain) shuts down. Your body releases adrenaline, norepinephrine, and glucose to prepare for the fight. Everyone looks like an enemy or threat. There is only “How do I make it end? not “Who gets hurt?” The empathy centers of the brain are turned off during the “flipped” or “amygdala hijack” state. This system has evolved to protect us. But we feel, sense, and experience threat intensely even when there may not be an actual threat. We also feel it more often than our neurotypical counterparts. This is exacerbated in those who have experienced traumas beyond those connected to ADHD. Treatment and management for those of us with co-existing conditions will need to be addressed with more intense and targeted support.

Did you relate to the story above? Did you recognize yourself or someone you know or love in the scenario?

What preceded the response in the situation described? What might have caused you or someone you know to respond that way? Has something like this happened to you?

You may find yourself instantly overwhelmed with anger, shame, sadness, fear, or frustration as you connect with the memory of it.

What can you do about all this?

First Step: Breathe

Stop. Slow your breathing. Practice “7-11 breathing.” Breathe in for the count of 7, hold for 7, and breathe out for 11. This pattern of breathing (holding the breath then breathing out for longer than the intake) helps to re-engage the parasympathetic nervous system, the part of the autonomic nervous system responsible for getting back to basic functioning like resting and digestion. These are put on hold while in a triggered/flipped state when the sympathetic nervous system takes over. All resources go toward surviving the imminent threat. When the parasympathetic nervous system is back online you can begin to think, choose, and respond. Your brain and body “know” you are ok, you are safe. Repeat the breathing until you can begin to think again. Your heart rate begins to slow. You become aware of your surroundings, body sensations, and thoughts.

Second Step: Pause and Reflect on Self-Talk

What are you saying to yourself? What “story” have you created about the other person or people involved, the situation, or the event? Are you the victim in this scenario? Have you been wronged, misunderstood, criticized, disrespected, or made fun of? You may be pointing to those around you or the situation for the cause.

There is also self-directed talk. What are you saying about yourself, your reactions, your words, or your actions? Are you ashamed, embarrassed, or mortified? Are you thinking you are a horrible person who is reckless with other people’s emotions? Are you saying how mean, awful, inconsiderate, and thoughtless you are? Are you saying you are too emotional, too sensitive—TOO EVERYTHING? You are pointing to yourself as the cause of all the problems around you.

If you are externalizing your emotional dysregulation, you are negatively impacting those around you because of your behavior, actions, and words. If you are internalizing your emotional dysregulation, you are negatively impacting yourself because of your behavior, actions, words, and internal dialogue.

Either way… you are hurting!

Third Step: Challenge the Self-Talk and Reframe

Take a minute to pay attention to what you are saying. Ask yourself if there could be another possibility. What other alternatives could there be to the “story” you have been telling yourself? Could what they said or did mean something else? Ask yourself if what you are saying to yourself is true? What do you know of the people involved? Would they really be openly trying to embarrass or judge you? The worst-case scenario you created in your head in a nano-second or stewed over for hours probably isn’t true or real. You need to challenge them or as I say to myself and my clients, “Call B.S. on that nonsense!” When you can reframe those thoughts, it takes the power out of them. What other possibilities would be more gracious to yourself and the other people involved?

Fourth Step: Check Your Needs

Ask yourself “What do I need right now? Am I calmer, feeling more safe/less threatened? If not, do you need to leave the situation? Do you need to find a safe person to talk to? Who or what do you need?

Am I still unclear about what happened? Do I need to ask for something? Do I need to clarify understanding, meaning or intent? What do I need to take responsibility for? What impact did I have, no matter what the intention was?

If I determine that this was a situation where a boundary of mine was crossed, do I need to say something? Can you do that calmly and productively now or do you need to come back to this later?

When you reflect on the situation and discover what you were saying to yourself, you may be able to determine, at least in that moment, what happened and what you need. But many ADHDers struggle with self-awareness and metacognition (thinking about our own thinking). So, we often need help with this. When things are calm, you may need to ask your friends, partners, or family members to help you see, identify, and make sense of your patterns. You may also need extra support from a therapist or coach to find out what is at the bottom of the triggers.

The root for so many of us is rejection sensitivity. We are so used to not measuring up, feeling different or, on the outside. We may feel we’re weird or, at our worst, broken. We will need to uncover the deeper beliefs that are driving our “overreactions” and repeated patterns.

When your coworker asked when you might be done with the assignment, you HEARD… “You are so slow. You never finish anything. I can’t trust you to take care of this on your own.” These may be real things you have heard others say and that you say to yourself, but we often are overlaying those narratives into situations and conversations where they do not apply. This causes a reaction that blows the situation up because our physiology betrays us. Our bodies react instantly to that thought before we can challenge it, pause, question it or stop it. Your coworker was really only asking when you might be done with the assignment.

We can’t believe everything we think!

The ADDA Virtual Support Group “How to Be a Better People Person” can help you manage your emotions, learn strategies to improve communication and social interactions, and connect with people facing the same challenges.

Renee Crook, ACG, is an ADHD Coach, Speaker, Facilitator and Consultant at ADDed Perspective Coaching. She also serves as an ADDA Board Member, Virtual Support Programs Chair and Beginner’s Peer Support Group Facilitator.

Renee is starting an 8 week group coaching program, “Transforming Perspectives”, on Emotional Dysregulation, Rejection Sensitivity, Self-Talk, Mindset and more starting Friday, October 23, 2020. Learn more on her website at http://addedperspectivecoaching.com/coaching-group/.

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You are certainly in a tough spot. I know you love your daughter and want the best for her, but you also need some help.

It sounds like your daughter might be struggling with her emotions, motivation, and other (totally normal) ADHD symptoms.

Many of us have been unable to perform in an, “adult” world, and so have suffered a tremendous blow to our confidence and sense of self-efficacy.

If she is open to it – Learning more about ADHD, and meeting other women in her age range with the diagnosis, might help her to see herself more clearly. And in a supportive environment she might start to dream again. Here on the ADDA website we have live meetings available to members, so definitely look at that.

I’m not sure of your situation allows it, but I would also recommend looking for a therapist. A therapist who is knowledgable about ADHD might be able to help her manage some of the emotional aspects of the diagnosis, as well as the typical patterns of thought that impede our success.

Check out the professional directory here on the ADDA website for a list of providers.

This might not be what you want to hear, but your daughter has to feel better about herself before she can be much help to you around the house. Actions usually follow emotions in my experience.

I wish you so much luck, and support, and good juju!

-liz

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Q: I was just diagnosed with Inattentive-type ADHD back in December 2019, as a 45-year old woman.  I haven’t told my parents yet as our relationship isn’t the greatest though at the end of the day, though we are very different in our political beliefs, etc. we are still family. I’ve just learned I can’t talk about certain parts of my life with them, at least for now. 

I’m wondering if you have any advice on how I should approach my parents and tell them about my diagnosis.  While I’m really frustrated I wasn’t diagnosed sooner, I know I’m a perfect example of the more-in-her-head girl who was missed as I wasn’t bouncing off the walls as a kid.    I also know that ADHD runs in families, but nobody I know in my family and among my relatives has been formally diagnosed.  Any advice? 

My first thought is perhaps you should figure out what you hope to accomplish when you tell your parents about the diagnosis.

Often, when we are diagnosed we very much wish for the people we love to embrace this new information and offer support. Sometimes it happens and sometimes not so much. It sounds like you already have trouble communicating with them about some parts of your life.

If you plan to tell them as a simple disclosure and you have no expectations, that shouldn’t be a problem.

But if you are hoping by telling them that they will turn around and apologize, or tell you that they want to know more and support you – you might** end up feeling hurt and frustrated. Does this make sense?

Spend some time thinking about your goal, before you dive into it. That puts you in a better position to plan out how the conversation might go.

Please don’t hesitate to reach to one of ADDA’s women’s support group. I always tell my community – we are stronger, together.

Stay in touch,

-liz

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A marriage is a precious union. But when one spouse or partner struggles with ADHD, they both struggle with ADHD. Research shows us that when you don’t understand or manage your ADHD effectively, it can be draining for your spouse and the marriage as a whole, often leading to separation and divorce.

It is heart breaking to watch two people who love each other put their relationship at risk. If only the partners could acquire a deeper understanding of what works and what doesn’t when ADHD is present. Many of the struggles that affect their relationship would disappear.

How does a couple go about recreating their relationship? First, couples must be clear. You can’t make changes in the relationship without knowing what it means to live with ADHD and how it affects that individual. Next, collaborate as a team to explore and develop the skills and strategies relevant to having ADHD in a relationship. We are not talking about the strategies neurotypical couples may use to resolve their problems. That’s not going to cut it where ADHD is present.

The ADHD partner must take ownership of their ADHD. And the non-ADHD partner needs to learn some support skills.

What would a support skill look like? Most of us understand communications between couples can be difficult. The non-ADHD partner can be frustrated because a simple request isn’t handled in a timely manner. Here is an example.

Non-ADHD: “I need you to put away everything in the den. I need that space and the room is a mess. Can you do that for me?”

ADHD: “Sure, I can do that.”

A week goes by and the room is still a mess. Now the agitation starts and the non-ADHD partner asks, “Why haven’t you cleaned that out yet? I asked you and you said you would take care of it”.

ADHD: “I didn’t know you wanted that right away. I’ve been busy doing . . . . “. Blame and excuses begin in order to defend themselves.

If the non-ADHD partner understood ADHD, they might have added to the request, “I need that by Friday. Can you write that down somewhere (a planner is preferred), and make it happen?”

Ahh! Now we have a timeframe and a way to avoid forgetting. Because both partners now understand the value of writing things down, or setting an alarm, the ADHD partner has a better chance of completing the task.

Think of the incomplete projects. The promises not kept. The list goes on. As ADHD coaches, we unravel these mysteries and help improve relationships with practical and manageable skills.

We know coaching can help a relationship where ADHD is a “silent partner”. But no one has researched how ADHD coaching helps these couples. We’ve read many studies on how it affects couples. However, despite our personal experience, and the successful relationships of our clients, there’s not enough scientific proof. There are no studies demonstrating how ADHD coaching can effectively make a lasting change in the dynamics of a relationship.

Without the science, professionals without ADHD training or understanding will continue to apply “standard” marriage counselling practices. And while there are studies that show that the usual approach isn’t working, without a studied alternative, many couples are stuck, heading towards divorce, and aren’t getting the help they need.

We are conducting a research study on the effect of coaching on an ADHD relationship where one partner has it and one does not. Of course, the results of this study will be very helpful for all coaches and other professionals working with couples. But it will also be extraordinarily helpful for couples with ADHD in the mix. You could benefit as a participant. And you will benefit as a member of the ADHD community.

Melissa Orlov, well-known ADHD marriage consultant, states the divorce rate is nearly twice as high for people with ADHD. If you are a couple struggling with ADHD in your relationship, participating in the program we’re studying could be the best thing you’ve ever done for your marriage. Even if you’re not struggling right now, studies like this these help create better ADHD treatment for couples, and provide the scientific evidence to confirm the importance of recognizing the role of ADHD in the relationship, as well as the role of the non-ADHD partner.

Marriage Uncomplicated: Bringing Back the Joy in Relationships with ADHD is a research study that measures 23 areas of concern in relationships where one partner has ADHD. During the course of an eight-week workshop for couples, we will be measuring the effect of the program on 23 areas of concern.

Our experience has shown there are three essential focus points for successful relationships:

1. Improved Clarity and Understanding
2. Better Collaboration
3. Skill & Strategy Development

We designed this workshop to provide the clarity, skills development and strategies that will create more harmony between couples.

We’ll be working with ADDA this year to recruit participants in the research study as we run this program a number of times. As part of our efforts, we’ll be offering a Webinar on March 11, 2020. We’ll be explaining how the differences between neurotypical and ADHD-wired brains affect your relationship. We’ll reveal how you can get better collaboration by working as a team to create healthier relationship dynamics. And we’ll share specific skills and strategies that will improve marital harmony.

In this program, you can move forward confidently and lovingly in your relationship. As a participant in this study, you will be helping others to understand ADHD. You become part of the solution to resolve the misconceptions of ADHD.

We’lI leave you with this. What changes if a couple continues the same approaches that have led to their discontent? Isn’t that Einstein’s recipe for insanity? We keep couples together. If things are not going the way you’d like in your relationship, it’s time for you to do something different. Join our program today. Register today for sessions starting January 29, 2020. And if the timing isn’t right, watch for the announcement for our coming ADDA webinar.  It could change the way you live with your ADHD.

Non-ADHD partners are welcome to our Virtual ADHD Partner Support Group! And all partners are welcome to our Loving and Living ADHD Couples Group.

Joyce Kubik is a professionally trained ADHD Coach for over 20 years at Bridge to Success Skills Training. She is an author of four books and a research study published in the Journal of Attention Magazine in 2010 on ADHD coaching. Joyce is a known speaker and educator on ADHD. She is also past-president of the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO). Contact her at joyce@joycekubik.com.

Robin Nordmeyer is a professionally trained ADHD Coach, with over 10 years’ experience. She has served on the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO) Board of Directors since 2013 and several other ADHD-related organizations. She developed the Center for Living Well With ADHD serving adults and students in many avenues, including workshops for Adults with ADHD. And she is a frequent conference presenter on ADHD. Contact her at robin@adhdcoach.life.

The post Marriage Uncomplicated. Is It Possible? appeared first on ADDA - Attention Deficit Disorder Association.

I learned I had ADHD when I was 85 in 2015.  My wife kept complaining that I was losing “it”. She thought I might be developing Alzheimer’s.  So, I phoned the Veterans Affairs and told the young lady, “My wife thinks I’m losing it”. They did a CT scan and put me through six hours of testing. That’s how I found out I have ADHD.

It occurred to me I’ve had it all my life. As a child and teenager I had been a “nerve end, hyper, manic-depressive”. I was always thought of as the little guy with the big mouth.  I was a poor student and never a team player. My family just accepted my behavior and assumed that I would outgrow it. They said, “Marty is different.”

When I was diagnosed with ADHD it gave me a feeling of being freed. What made me different now had a name.

As I grew older I am more of a loner. I don’t feel a need for social contacts. I’m not a people person. For most of my adult life I have been self-employed, but when I worked for someone else, I would do my job as if I owned the company I worked for. My employers were always pleased with my work ethic and were not happy when I left.

When I came home from the Korean War I immediately signed up for classes at a local community college. I got a job at Lockheed Aircraft working the swing shift to support myself. I failed miserably at college and knew I’d better get help to figure out what to do to make a living.

That was the first time I asked the VA for help. They sent me for vocational counseling. They determined I had a 99.5% aptitude in business administration and a 98.5% in artistic traits. I went to the library to seek the help of a research librarian. I wanted to find a “depression proof” vocation that fit within my aptitudes. I found that the beauty industry actually grew in the 1930’s and 40’s. I started cosmetology school and knew I was home; this was my profession for life.

Let’s get back to the present…

My wife of sixty years said that I have always been difficult to live with but she noticed a change in me this year. I was becoming more difficult to live with and was having more problems recalling things she told me. It frustrates her if I respond to her complaints in what she calls a childish manner.

I recently had three events in succession that moved me to seek help for the most profound depression I have ever experienced. The first was after I had completed a project I had been working on for eight years and realized I had no one to share it with.

On my 80th birthday I decided to teach myself to play the piano, unfortunately I had trouble with learning and remembering the notes.  When I converted the notes to numbers it solved that problem.  During the past eight years I have transposed 545 popular songs from musical notes to numbers. The second event was when I realized that I no longer had the stamina to complete my chores in a timely manner. The third and most crushing event was being diagnosed with macular degeneration.

I went to my primary provider who referred me to a counselor which led to a visit with a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist would not prescribe medication for an eighty-eight year old man, but he did recommend trying a therapist to help combat the depression.

Now that I’m in the winter of my life and look back, I have to say that I am thankful that I have ADHD.  That may sound strange but if it wasn’t for my non-conformity, the driving force that kept me going, I never would have enjoyed the life I’ve had.

The post My Wife Thinks I’m Losing It appeared first on ADDA - Attention Deficit Disorder Association.

Q: As a non-ADHD partner for 2.5 years to a 62 year old gentleman who won’t accept the Amen Clinic diagnosis of ADHD, I feel my teaching and counseling abilities have run out. I am looking for follow through on major negligence in his home and retirement if I am to remain; and, health accountability on his part. Right now he will take the suggested supplements but only for me not for him. How do I first get my partner to see the multiple traits he possesses as a cluster representing ADHD rather than providing each with an individual excuse.

This is such a tough situation. Unfortunately, you are not alone.

First I should probably explain some things about how we with ADHD behave in relationships.

• Most of us have experienced a ton of negativity, and thus we have wacky attachment styles (this is MY theory)
• Many of us have very poor self-awareness and feel the need to be “right” all the time
• We see things in a black/white way and have issues with compromise
• We are consistently inconsistent, and so our partners don’t know what to expect. Ever.
• Other points of view are difficult, and we often perceive them as criticism or rejection

All of this can create a hot mess for our partners. And I say all of this as a person with ADHD who is married to a non-ADHDer.

If I were able, I would have my husband give you his .02 as well.

The best solution for US has been two pronged:

1. Really uncomfortable honesty. As in he tells me when my behaviors are out of control. And I tell him when I feel totally out of control.
2. Counseling and education for both of us.

Your email sounds as if you already know what needs to happen for you to stay in the relationship. I guess the question then becomes are you willing to work to hold onto the relationship? And is your partner?

I can’t really answer those questions for you.  But I can give you a couple resources.

The ADDA Loving and Living with ADHD Support Group

https://www.amazon.com/Couples-Guide-Thriving-ADHD/dp/193776110X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1548557438&sr=8-3&keywords=melissa+orlov

https://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Effect-Marriage-Understand-Relationship/dp/1886941971/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1548557438&sr=8-1&keywords=melissa+orlov

https://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1548557502&sr=8-4&keywords=ADHD+couples

https://add.org/tadd-2017-diminishing-anger-relationships-impacted-adhd/

https://chadd.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/ATTN_06_16_Couple.pdf

Whatever you decide to do, know that just by sending this email you are showing your willingness to try to understand. And that means everything. To us.

xoxoxo

– Liz

The post Partner in Denial about ADHD appeared first on ADDA - Attention Deficit Disorder Association.

One of my favorite stories about being married to someone with ADHD had to do with returning a video to Redbox. Kristi’s husband promised he would return the movie on his way home from work. She called him at about 10 to ask if he’d done it and he said “yes”.

The next day, she found the videotape on the front seat of the car. And this wasn’t the first time, he’d done this before. Several times. Kristi was stuck thinking: what happened? Why did he lie to me? More to the point, why did he lie again?

“Lying” has been a recurring theme in our non-ADHD Partner Peer Support Group, which is celebrating its one year anniversary. We held our first meeting on Feb 1, 2017 and, since then, a small group of wonderful, open, supportive people have been getting together weekly to talk to each other about what it’s like being married to or partnered with someone with ADHD. We average 6-10 callers a week. Participants have come and gone and have mostly been women. We’ve had straight and gay couples, couples recently married and couples with over 40 years under their belts. We’ve had at least two women who were dating or engaged to men with ADHD and wanted to learn how to support their new partner.

The group grew out of a series of groups for couples, held in 2016. We realized that there was little support available for the non-ADHD partners and decided we would try and fill that gap.

The next question was: how would we structure the group and who would facilitate? I’d been leading a monthly ADHD peer group in Ann Arbor and had recently become more and more interested in how ADHD affects relationships, so I considered stepping in. But, we wondered what it would be like having someone with ADHD leading the group? How would we establish trust? Would they want to hear from yet another person with ADHD when they were already living with one? Would it become defensive or confrontational?

As it turned out, it was a good choice. I offered them an opportunity to ask questions they might not ask their partner – to give them a peek into an ADHD brain. We take into account, of course, that I am a different person – with my own personality, my own history, and my own set of quirks – but often, they would see their own situation a little differently when I told them how it looked to me.

Everyone’s ADHD is different, just as everyone’s relationship is different, but by me relating some of my experiences – with time-blindness or impulsivity or hiding things because of shame – they could sometimes look at their own situation with a fresh set of eyes.

And I keep on learning, too. What it’s like being on the other side, living with constant uncertainty, wondering whether their partner is lying, hiding things, or just forgetting them. What it’s like envying the neighbors when you see them able to do something together, even something as mundane as paying the bills or doing the dishes. What it’s like knowing that the life you dreamed about, the life you thought you were marrying into, is not the life you are going to have.

One of the most insightful, and one of the saddest, things I’ve hear this year was said by different people at different times (Madeleine, Lisa, others): the realization that both partners feel alone and lonely.

We’ll keep doing our best to try and help bridge that loneliness.

If you’re a non-ADHD person, I recommend these tips for dating someone with ADHD for your next read.

Virtual ADHD Partner Support Group

The post Non-ADHD Partners Ease Their Loneliness appeared first on ADDA - Attention Deficit Disorder Association.