ADHD Spouse Burnout: Essential Strategies for Lasting Support

ADHDers can undoubtedly be great spouses. They bring lots of creativity and energy to the table and make dull days feel special. 

However, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can also cause different roadblocks in a marriage. For instance, poor focus and planning skills can make it difficult for ADHDers to handle their responsibilities. 

If you’re married to someone with ADHD, you may be experiencing what’s known as ADHD spouse burnout. This is the sense of frustration that comes from constantly dealing with these ADHD-related issues. 

It’s very possible to have a happy marriage with ADHD. But for this to happen, it’s key to understand that every ADHDer has unique strengths and weaknesses. Working together, you and your partner can harness these strengths and find strategies that minimize the impact of ADHD. 

In doing this, you and your partner can best position yourselves to build a solid and healthy relationship. 

What Is Spouse Burnout With ADHD?

ADHD spouse burnout refers to feelings of frustration and exhaustion that the spouse of a person with ADHD may experience. 

ADHD spouse burnout happens because of the issues caused by ADHD symptoms. These symptoms may include the following:^[1]

• Having poor focus 
• Having trouble organizing and planning
• Getting easily distracted during conversations
• Being forgetful in daily activities 
• Losing and misplacing important items
• Interrupting others during conversations

ADHD symptoms can cause the non-ADHD spouse to take on more work and extra responsibilities in the relationship. This may lead to resentment, fatigue, or burnout. 

Symptoms of ADHD Spouse Burnout

While everyone gets tired from time to time, ADHD spouse burnout goes beyond these occasional feelings of exhaustion. 

It can look different from one person to another. But these are the general symptoms of ADHD spouse burnout you can look out for: 

• Feeling like you’re overworked
• Often getting overwhelmed, frustrated, and tired
• Increasing resentment toward your partner
• Having a short fuse toward everything
• Experiencing constant feelings of helplessness, desperation, or anxiety
• Feeling invisible, or as if your efforts aren’t appreciated or acknowledged
• Experiencing emotional detachment from your partner

ADHD spouse burnout can negatively impact your mental health in the long run. So it’s essential to address this issue as early as possible.^[2]

What Causes ADHD Spouse Burnout?

Symptoms of ADHD can cause ADHD spouse burnout in different ways. 

Knowing which symptoms are the cause helps you and your partner build tailored strategies to target them. 

Emotional Strain From Managing ADHD-Related Behaviors

ADHD symptoms like forgetfulness, distractibility, or impulsivity can lead to different conflicts. 

The non-ADHD partner may quickly feel overwhelmed as they try to manage and minimize the impact of these ADHD symptoms. 

They also have to juggle work, family commitments, and personal needs. This can leave little time for rest and self-care. As a result, emotions like stress, anxiety, and frustration gradually build. 

Unequal Distribution of Responsibilities

People with ADHD may struggle to complete house chores or run errands. They might lack motivation or procrastinate often. They might also forget what they promised to do or leave their tasks half-done when distracted. 

As a result, the non-ADHDer might feel like they constantly have to nag or lecture their spouse to help out at home.^[2]

The non-ADHD spouse can also quickly become the “caregiver” or “parent” to the ADHDer. Burnout can set in when this person has to shoulder the bulk of the household responsibilities alone, especially if they have kids. 

Communication Challenges

Building a healthy and open line of communication can be a struggle with ADHD in the mix.

People with ADHD may talk excessively, find it hard to wait their turn, or talk over the other person. They might get distracted during conversations or say something that could hurt their spouse’s feelings.^[1]

All these traits can lead to misunderstandings and poor communication. The non-ADHD spouse might feel that their partner isn’t trying to listen to and understand what they say, leading to a breakdown of trust and intimacy. 

Feelings of Neglect or Emotional Disconnect

The non-ADHD spouse may often feel like their extra efforts go overlooked and unappreciated.^[2]

Their spouse may interrupt them, get distracted in conversations, or forget special occasions. This may lead to them feeling neglected or taken for granted.

Financial Stress

People who have ADHD are more likely to face issues in their work and career. Studies suggest that people with ADHD have a 70% higher risk of being unemployed long-term.^[3]

A lack of a stable career can cause financial strain in a marriage.

Additionally, ADHD can also lead to impulsive spending habits.^[4] This can be another cause of financial issues. Due to this, the non-ADHD spouse might feel stressed or burnt out trying to earn or save more. 

How to Cope With ADHD Spouse Burnout

It’s natural to want to care for and support your spouse the best you can. But it’s much more difficult to do this if you’re burnt out. 

Here are some strategies for non-ADHD spouses to create a healthier balance in their lives and relationships.

Prioritize Self-Care and Set Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is key to breaking the parent-child dynamic in a marriage. Boundaries define what’s acceptable and what isn’t. 

You can find time for an open and honest conversation with your partner about boundaries. 

For example, you can build a chore chart that splits the chores based on each person’s strengths. For this boundary to work, you must resist the temptation to step in and take over your partner’s share if they don’t complete it. 

If impulsive spending is causing financial strain, you can create a family budget together. Additionally, you can agree to discuss any significant purchases beforehand. 

With these boundaries in place, it also becomes easier to prioritize self-care. Remember, self-care isn’t selfish. It’s essential to creating a healthier you—and, in turn, a happier, more resilient relationship.

Prioritizing self-care starts with blocking out time for activities that help you unwind and recharge. These might include journaling, exercising, reading, or any other activity you enjoy.

Seek Support and Professional Help

You don’t have to navigate burnout alone. Some people can encourage, support, and walk alongside you. 

For example, you can join a support group for non-ADHD partners. These groups are a safe space to connect with people who understand your journey and can provide realistic advice. 

Couples counseling is another way for you and your partner to talk through things in a guided and collected manner. With the help of a professional, you can discover strategies to help minimize the impact of ADHD on your marriage. 

Share Your Feelings with Your Spouse

Bottling up your feelings isn’t healthy and can lead to resentment and bitterness over time. This is why creating an open line of communication with your spouse can work wonders.

You can sit down and have an honest chat whenever you encounter an issue in your marriage. Find ways to have a constructive conversation about how their actions make you feel. That way, your spouse will better understand your emotions and concerns. 

5 Ways to Support Your ADHD Spouse

Loving your spouse doesn’t mean you should do everything for them. 

Instead, there are more sustainable ways for you to show your love and support to them without spreading yourself too thin. 

1. Educate Yourself About ADHD

ADHD is a medical condition that’s scientifically proven to change the way the brain processes information.^[5]

Of course, it isn’t an excuse to be irresponsible. But it can significantly affect the way your spouse thinks and acts. 

Understanding how ADHD affects them can help you respond with compassion and empathy. It also empowers you to set realistic expectations. Plus, you’ll be better equipped to communicate in a constructive rather than critical way. 

2. Establish a Routine Together

Creating a routine together as a family helps to build structure and predictability in your daily lives. 

You don’t have to plan out your entire day from start to finish. Instead, start by adding structure to the part of the day that needs it most. 

Let’s say your mornings are frantic and rushed. In this case, you and your partner can build a morning routine together and divide duties among each other. For instance, one partner can make breakfast while the other prepares the kids for school. 

3. Use Positive Reinforcement

It’s easy for ADHD symptoms to overshadow everything else, especially the progress and efforts your spouse has made. 

Celebrating both big and small wins and showing gratitude can help boost your spouse’s self-esteem and motivation. 

4. Practice Effective Communication

Effective communication can be tricky with ADHD. You can share your thoughts and suggestions using “I” statements. Make it a point to also listen attentively to your partner without distractions. 

If a conversation becomes heated, step back until both parties cool down before continuing the discussion. 

You can also seek the help of an ADHD coach or counselor to learn effective communication practices in your marriage. 

5. Encourage Professional Support

Treatment for ADHD is life-changing for many adults. This is why it’s essential to encourage professional help and support. 

You can reassure your partner that seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness but a display of courage. Find time to sit down together and search for doctors or specialists in your area with experience treating adult ADHD. You may even offer to accompany them to appointments if they feel nervous or uncertain. 

You can also suggest exploring support groups or ADHD coaching. These are avenues that can provide both practical strategies and emotional support for living with ADHD.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are common signs of burnout in a spouse of someone with ADHD?

Some signs of ADHD spouse burnout include feeling frustrated and exhausted most of the time. You may feel resentment and disappointment toward your partner or notice you’re detached from them. You might also have little to no time for self-care, which can contribute to feelings of hopelessness, depression, or anxiety. 

How can I support my ADHD spouse without sacrificing my well-being?

Setting healthy boundaries is key to supporting your spouse without compromising your well-being. Be firm with what’s acceptable and what’s not in the relationship. Instead of doing everything for them, you can help them build self-management strategies. Examples include creating a family routine or having a chore chart for household work. 

When should I consider professional help for dealing with ADHD spouse burnout?

It’s always best to seek professional help earlier on. If you constantly experience exhaustion, frustration, anxiety, or depression, reach out for help as soon as you can. Another tell-tale sign that you need professional advice is if you and your partner often get into heated arguments and conflicts. Physical symptoms may also suggest you’re overwhelmed. Examples include poor sleep, getting sick often, or frequent headaches. 

Overcoming ADHD-Self Burnout Starts With Prioritizing Your Own Well-Being

Prioritizing your well-being isn’t selfish; it’s essential. With clear boundaries, regular self-care, and a focus on teamwork, you’re less likely to get burnt out or exhausted. 

This will put you in the best position to support your spouse while maintaining your physical, mental, and emotional health. 

If you’re looking for resources on how to support a loved one with ADHD, feel free to check out ADDA+. Here, you can learn about how ADHD affects someone and explore expert-backed tips on navigating life with ADHD. 

References

[1] de la Peña, I. C., Pan, M. C., Thai, C. G., & Alisso, T. (2020). Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Predominantly Inattentive Subtype/Presentation: Research Progress and Translational Studies. Brain sciences, 10(5), 292. https://doi.org/10.3390/brainsci10050292

[2] Zeides Taubin, D., & Maeir, A. (2024). “I wish it wasn’t all on me”: women’s experiences living with a partner with ADHD. Disability and Rehabilitation, 46(14), 3017–3025. https://doi.org/10.1080/09638288.2023.2239158

[3] Helgesson, M., Björkenstam, E., Rahman, S., Gustafsson, K., Taipale, H., Tanskanen, A., Ekselius, L., & Mittendorfer-Rutz, E. (2023). Labour market marginalisation in young adults diagnosed with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD): a population-based longitudinal cohort study in Sweden. Psychological medicine, 53(4), 1224–1232. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291721002701

[4] Bangma, D. F., Tucha, L., Fuermaier, A. B. M., Tucha, O., & Koerts, J. (2020). Financial decision-making in a community sample of adults with and without current symptoms of ADHD. PloS one, 15(10), e0239343. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0239343

[5] Ulke, C., Rullmann, M., Huang, J., Luthardt, J., Becker, G. A., Patt, M., Meyer, P. M., Tiepolt, S., Hesse, S., Sabri, O., & Strauß, M. (2019). Adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is associated with reduced norepinephrine transporter availability in right attention networks: a (S,S)-O-[11C]methylreboxetine positron emission tomography study. Translational psychiatry, 9(1), 301. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41398-019-0619-y